On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
