so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
