Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
