God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
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