I'm going to rape someone's good day.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
