is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
