i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
foreskin is a definite game changer
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
