Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Randomize
