you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
