Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza