nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
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You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
This baby is an asshole
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
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You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
They are going to name an STD after you.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level