so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
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You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
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She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?