im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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