I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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