I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
