Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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