Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
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There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
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Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
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