That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Help. Why am I so naked?
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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