I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
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There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
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As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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