I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
