dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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