Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
