I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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