i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
