i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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