I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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