Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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