Done. Eyebrows are waxed, entire body shaved
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
