does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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