My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
