Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
