I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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