Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Everclear isn't food dammit
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm both gender and math confused
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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