i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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