I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Randomize
