he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
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