so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Randomize
