Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
