You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
