He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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