Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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