I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
