Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
