The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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