I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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