seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
