Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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