I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
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Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
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My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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