I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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