No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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