What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Randomize
