turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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