I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
