dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
