she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
