I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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