her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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