is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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