I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Drunk is not a location!
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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