i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
