im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
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