Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
