Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
