If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
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Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
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I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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